"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me ." Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Journal" is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of: The Elves : A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm. The Dwarves : Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground. The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction. The White Wizard : Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him. ....and The Chosen One: Victim--sorry, meant to say "Hero"--of a glorious prophecy.  The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first.  In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement.  Again . Behold!  A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas.  Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it.  Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun. "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN" is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.  5.0 out of 5 stars Grateful I Came Across This Read!Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2020Verified PurchaseEver been so captivated by a book that you start wondering whether the author knows you due to how it connects explicitly with your satisfaction? That's is my connection to this book. The author had done extra-ordinary work in coming up with this exciting piece. The Dark Lords Diary are tales that will captivate your mind and keep you turning the pages with sometimes a sad face, emotional, but most of all, a broad smile. The stories are one of a kind, and I couldn't ignore the imaginations that came in scene after scene, that kept me wishing this was a real encounter. And its not just about the uniqueness manifested by the author. The flow, language use, structure, tone and even the specific choice of words connect so amazingly with the storyline. It's just but a big circle of perfection. It's one of those books that you hope that your friends have not read yet...so that you can enjoy the pleasure of referring it to them. I can't get enough of the book; the author was masterful; it was a fantastic experience. I have to give this the big thumbs up!-TrizahKelvin, Verified Buyer 5.0 out of 5 stars A must have for anyone who loves over-the-top villainsReviewed in the United States on July 5, 2019Verified Purchase"What a delightful little romp into the dark side! Here we have a loquacious super villain pontificating their own existence while besmirching the good names of elves and unicorns. There's a lot to love here - a playfulness of language, a sense of well timed whimsy, and at times glimmers of wise insight you wouldn't really expect. It's a bit light on plot but it was too funny to care that much. I mean parables from the dark side? Yes, please. I have already recommended it to other twisted minds." -Theophanes Avery, author, "Honoring Echo". 5.0 out of 5 stars A rare treat -- nod, smile, laugh, and reflectReviewed in the United States on May 3, 2020Verified Purchase"There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters)" is a rare treat that artfully fuses intellectual discourse with wit into a brilliant achievement of satire. Author Jeff Mach's gift to the reader is a blurring of the lines between fiction and commentary, fantasy and critique; and, of course, the false dichotomy of Good and Evil. Through the musings of the Dark Lord's wry observations and ruminations, Mach takes on the logical fallacies all too common in popular fiction and the mental follies, hypocrisies, irrationalities, oversimplifications, and futilities so infectious of the minds of mortals; the mental gymnastics that we, as individuals, institutions, and collectives, strain to pull off instead of turning our scopes around and questioning our worldview. As countenance to the Dark Lord, the fabled White Wizard and Chosen One serve to illuminate what the ways our heroes and fictional species interact with hypothetical realms and characters implies about our own species and realm. You don't have to be a fan of or even familiar with the fantasy genre to get swept up in this epic narrative. Ever pragmatic, apt for modern times, non-partisan, enlightening, fun, and articulate, these well-crafted sentences and captivating content ensure you never feel preached to or scolded; rather, you are along for the ride, willing and captivated. You'll love this "Dark Lord's Diary" for how it simultaneously en